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disastermovieI've never really been a passive sort of person in fandom. Like, there are plenty of folks who just consume canon and fanworks and don't produce stuff themselves. Which is good! I've never been that sort of person, though.
I say that I've been in fandom since I was 12, but I didn't really start interacting with folks in any meaningful way until I started creating stuff. I made poorly put-together manips in GIMP and put them up on DeviantArt, then got Photoshopin a totally legal manner during the beginning of fandom on Tumblr. I started making edits, then gifsets, and eventually moved up to fanvids with Sony Vegas. I cycled through several Tumblr accounts, so those posts are lost (though I have found them floating around), but my old vids are still up on YouTube.
I posted my first ever fic in 2015. I've abandoned my old AO3 account, but I did keep it up with an fully open transformative work statement. Its weird looking back and seeing all the fic I wrote for friends I've completely lost contact with, immortalized in dead links to deactivated blogs and twitter accounts. The MCU was my last time in a Huge Fandom (until I got back into Good Omens last year) and when I left it in 2018, I really did consider leaving fandom entirely.
I made a new Tumblr blog and fully intended to only be a studyblr, until I made new friends and went back to fandom. Watching The Terror in 2019 is what really brought back my love for fandom and making content. I wrote so many fics that year! I was really proud of myself for starting and finishing creative projects like those.
2020 wasn't a good year for me. After the holidays, I was swept up in my last semester of undergrad, so fandom was put on the backburner. I had some WIPs and concepts I was working on, but school came first. I was so excited for the summer, when I would get the job I had lined up after graduation and the free time to focus on those fics.
The pandemic messed things up. I had to move back home after spring break and spent the rest of the semester in zoom school. I lost the job opportunity and have been struggling to find even unpaid internships to help build up my resume. My mental health took a deep dive, mainly because I'm heavily closeted at home and now I can't really escape it, which was not the energy I wanted to start grad school with last fall. It wasn't until November that I was able to post any fics, which ended up being two short one-shots I wrote in a day or two each.
I'm into podficcing now, but I only have one posted, with two others planned that I haven't been able to do much with due to grad school and a lack of privacy. I still have WIPs from early 2020 - hell, I still have a few from 2019 - that I want to finish and just can't. I have energy for personal embroidery and cross-stitch projects, but it feels like I'm failing because I can't produce the fancontent that I want to.
I know that this is me internalizing all that harmful messaging about how "you MUST make CONTENT for people to CONSUME and if you're just doing something for yourself, you're lazy." And that's a horrible way to look at any of your hobbies, but its especially awful for fandom. I know that fandom is about more than just churning out content and I'd never begrudge anyone else for not doing so, but... idk. I want to create and my brain won't let me.
I know I need to be nicer to myself - I barely have the energy for anything these days - but the idea that I'm failing for not finishing anything I start still makes me feel guilty. And I do finish stuff! I cross-stitch. I sew. I create, even if its just for me, which is what I need to treat fandom as again.
I wanted a conclusion to this, but I don't have one. I should probably be doing coursework instead of writing this, but here we are anyway. Hopefully I can finish writing at least one long fic by the end of February and have a good time doing it.
I say that I've been in fandom since I was 12, but I didn't really start interacting with folks in any meaningful way until I started creating stuff. I made poorly put-together manips in GIMP and put them up on DeviantArt, then got Photoshop
I posted my first ever fic in 2015. I've abandoned my old AO3 account, but I did keep it up with an fully open transformative work statement. Its weird looking back and seeing all the fic I wrote for friends I've completely lost contact with, immortalized in dead links to deactivated blogs and twitter accounts. The MCU was my last time in a Huge Fandom (until I got back into Good Omens last year) and when I left it in 2018, I really did consider leaving fandom entirely.
I made a new Tumblr blog and fully intended to only be a studyblr, until I made new friends and went back to fandom. Watching The Terror in 2019 is what really brought back my love for fandom and making content. I wrote so many fics that year! I was really proud of myself for starting and finishing creative projects like those.
2020 wasn't a good year for me. After the holidays, I was swept up in my last semester of undergrad, so fandom was put on the backburner. I had some WIPs and concepts I was working on, but school came first. I was so excited for the summer, when I would get the job I had lined up after graduation and the free time to focus on those fics.
The pandemic messed things up. I had to move back home after spring break and spent the rest of the semester in zoom school. I lost the job opportunity and have been struggling to find even unpaid internships to help build up my resume. My mental health took a deep dive, mainly because I'm heavily closeted at home and now I can't really escape it, which was not the energy I wanted to start grad school with last fall. It wasn't until November that I was able to post any fics, which ended up being two short one-shots I wrote in a day or two each.
I'm into podficcing now, but I only have one posted, with two others planned that I haven't been able to do much with due to grad school and a lack of privacy. I still have WIPs from early 2020 - hell, I still have a few from 2019 - that I want to finish and just can't. I have energy for personal embroidery and cross-stitch projects, but it feels like I'm failing because I can't produce the fancontent that I want to.
I know that this is me internalizing all that harmful messaging about how "you MUST make CONTENT for people to CONSUME and if you're just doing something for yourself, you're lazy." And that's a horrible way to look at any of your hobbies, but its especially awful for fandom. I know that fandom is about more than just churning out content and I'd never begrudge anyone else for not doing so, but... idk. I want to create and my brain won't let me.
I know I need to be nicer to myself - I barely have the energy for anything these days - but the idea that I'm failing for not finishing anything I start still makes me feel guilty. And I do finish stuff! I cross-stitch. I sew. I create, even if its just for me, which is what I need to treat fandom as again.
I wanted a conclusion to this, but I don't have one. I should probably be doing coursework instead of writing this, but here we are anyway. Hopefully I can finish writing at least one long fic by the end of February and have a good time doing it.
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